It's GO time!

Last night Ben and I went to our first adoption meeting with LDS Family Services. It was the "orientation meeting" and we had to attend it before we could start our paperwork. We turned in about 1/3 of the paperwork, so only 2/3 to go! We have another meeting tonight. I actually look forward to these meetings...it's fun to go and be able to talk about something that we are so passionate about.

Yesterday, I was sitting by a couple that was just starting their first adoption. They felt a little overwhelmed and had questions about the process. The wife felt like she had to "jump through so many hoops" and that there were a lot of "huge obstacles". I was taken back to 4 1/2 years ago when I was feeling the exact same things. I was excited to know we were getting closer to starting our family, but I also felt overwhelmed, unsure, stupid (for lack of a better word), vulnerable, alone, & embarrassed. Believe it or not, not everyone is on the adoption bandwagon. You get many sympathetic stares and pats on the arm. There were times when I wanted to scream "I am not dying, people!" Then I fielded comments of "you are such amazing people to do that" or "isn't it hard that they won't look like you?". First of all I am no humanitarian - I am purely a selfish person who wanted to be a mom. And in the grand scheme of things we didn't care who our kids looked like as long as they were ours (plus we have two really cute kids). Don't get me wrong, I love answering people's questions about adoption...and most are really good questions. And I really love talking about our two experiences!

The social workers stress how important it is to be vocal about your adoption plans and let people know - the more advocates, the better. I have no problem shouting from rooftops how much I love adoption and letting everyone know that we are ready for another baby, however not everyone feels the same. Especially those that haven't, yet, experienced what a miracle adoption is. It is a personal journey that is different for each couple and it has taken me 4 1/2 years and our third adoption to feel confident enough to share my feelings so openly. Sometimes you don't feel like sharing your inner most thoughts with half the world - sometimes you do.

In my opinion, there is nothing harder than waiting for your first baby. It consumes every thought, feeling, moment. You ache with an emptiness, that nothing seems to fill - at least this was my experience. I remember so desperately wanting to hear someone call me mommy (and now I am blessed enough to have two little monkeys yelling mommy). I would sit in my classroom, look at the calender and think "when will we really have a baby, by Christmas, by next year, two years?" I tear up thinking about the constant questioning and helplessness I felt. This is a happy post, it really is, but my heart breaks for all the people out there that are experiencing those emotions and wondering if there is an end in sight. All I can say is that Eli & Blake are the greatest loves I have known, I never understood before that my heart could be ripped apart and put back together again. Although it is a cliche - it was all worth it!

We are excited for more children, we really, really want more children, but my ache will never be as great as it once was. I know it is in the Lord's hands and I have already been blessed with two amazing boys that fill my days with love, frustration, happiness and pure joy.

My life is full, my heart is full, and for that I am grateful.